UCantExplainThat

Sometimes shit just happens…

I’m such an asshole sometimes

HA! I know I’m not, but I feel like it more than I probably should. Aside from that, tonight turned out to be a better night than I was expecting. Granted, I got home just after midnight, and there’s no sign of sleep in my near future, so drinking it is! I’ve got a half bottle of Sailor Jerry’s and I’m hoping it’ll last me through the night. If not, I’ll pick up another one tomorrow and have a splendid time watching WRESTLEMANIA!!!! I’m pretty pumped for this, Taker V Punk. My prediction, Punk’s gonna take it, but that remains to be seen. Oh, and there’s the “once in a lifetime” match between Cena and The Rock. Wait… didn’t that happen last year? IT DID!!! In fairness to the WWE writers, with all the shit I’ve gone through, it does seem like a lifetime has passed since then, but really guys? It’s only been a year. You’re not writing it for me, you don’t even know who I am, or what I’ve been going through. Harumph. It will be a good show though, can’t wait.

Came home and did chores. WOO! Exciting! Changed out my laundry and put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher.

*sigh* well, I better get used to this, finding entertainment/people to spend time with. I feel it’s going to be sooner than I’d like before my roommate takes a hike. Granted, I set the terms, but I let it digest for 24 hrs, and extended the offer. Hmm, wonder if that was a good idea or not. Probably not, but sometimes we do crazy things for the people we care about, and caring about other people is what I’m best at, so it makes me feel alive when I can help someone who needs it, even if it does cost me more (financially and emotionally) in the long run. What’s good for me, is knowing that those I care about are safe and sound. If I am unable to know that, without being there directly, then I start to worry and for me, that’s worse than anything I could go through while knowing they’re OK.

I’m an altruistic fuck. Through and through. I took an Ennegram personality test, and found (quite accurately) that I’m a Type 2, Wing 1 personality. Other Type 2 personalities include Mother Theresa, and Jesus. (I’m fairly sure that’s just speculation because I doubt either of them have spent the time to take this personality test.) Any way you slice it, I’m going to sound arrogant saying this, but I’m a good cat to know. I’m comfortable with who I am, and I’m fairly certain I know pretty definitively who I am at the core, I’m just coming to realize that I’m a terrible judge of character, and at times, I can be WAY too trusting.

So, this new chapter starts. I’d like to say it begins with me re-building my life in the image that I’d like it to be as a single guy. I’ve built my career and life before, so I know what steps to take, the difficult part for me, is knowing when I have a stable enough foundation to build on top of it. Luckily, I’m aware of what that foundation consists of, so with a bit of luck I’ll be able to start re-building it sooner rather than later. And once that’s done, I’ll be able to afford myself some creature comforts and amenities. All the while I need to construct this modularly, so I can quickly adapt and accommodate for any changes that may come (unexpected bills, significant other, etc…). Those things in life you either can’t plan for, or forget about until it’s right in front of you, practically slapping you in the face.

Life isn’t that hard. It’s really only hard if you don’t know what you’re doing, or if you let someone or someones run it for you. I’m reminded of Incubus’ ‘Drive’ it’s a beautiful song that I listen to every now and again to remind myself that I need to be control of my life, and that you can’t trust anyone to run any part of your life for you and take as much care of it as you need them to. It’s really unfair to put that on someone anyways, so my advice to my future self and anyone who may be reading this (probably no one) would be to stay wary of anyone who promises to take care of you in any aspect of your life as if it were their own. Now, that sounds very isolationist and I don’t mean it that way. Relationships with other people are very important to have and it’s what make the human experience worth living, so don’t take this as me saying not to trust anyone, or that you shouldn’t give your heart completely to someone else if you’re in a relationship. All I’m saying is everyone has baggage and issues, and some are more complimentary than others. There may not be a ‘perfect match’ for everyone, in friendship or relationship, so what you need to do is be able to assess what parts are complimentary and which aren’t and know which of those are compromises you can make long-term. That’s the part of life that’s hard. Sustaining yourself in the game of corporate America is child’s play. Creating long-lasting bonds with other human beings is the hard part. At least for me, everyone’s different, and have different skill sets so I’m not saying this as a blanket truth by any means. It’s all about recognizing those differences and estimating how they will play out long-term. In that sense, life is a giant roulette wheel. Some people can predict the exact number to come next, while others blindly choose between red and black for a shot at only doubling their investments.

Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting this to come out tonight… I’m pretty satisfied with what I’ve got, so I’m gonna turn in and watch a movie or something… No sleep for me anytime soon, so bed is not an option, and honestly, I’m not in the mood for video games, at this point in time, I feel I need something that isn’t very interactive, something I can soak in and not have to make any decisions about. So to Netflix I turn, for either a movie or a TV show. Not sure which yet, but my $9/month is being well spent for moments like these. I actually should call this quits anyways, my laundry is done, and I need to at least take it out of the dryer. I’ll dump it in a pile on my bed so I can deal with putting things away tomorrow and cleaning/cleansing my personal space. Oh, need to check in with unemployment tomorrow too, I hope I remember to do that. Monday I’ve got an 08:00 date with the post-office, and after that trying to mend friendships is in order. Tuesday, I’ve got a meeting with a temp agency, but I’m not expecting anything awesome to come of that, and with any luck, I’ll get my first unemployment check so I can pay rent for this month. The rest of the week is up in the air, but hopefully it’ll be productive, and well within my control. Here’s to hoping I can take care of business over the next few days without driving myself insane or furthering my depression. I’m the only one that’s going to get me out of this pit, and I need to start climbing at some point. Chapter 2 seems like the right place to do that.

So I remember a few months back on New Years, I dedicated this year to new beginnings. I wasn’t sure how relevant that was going to be at the time, when I said it, I meant it in a COMPLETELY different way then than I look at it now, but I’m glad I chose that theme. It’s giving me the ambition to fix what is wrong in my life in a very constructive manner. *pats past-self on the back for hitting the nail on the head with that one.*

Well, I’ll do what I can over the next few days, and I’m sure that I’ll be writing to you dear readers (HA! see what I did there? I made it plural like there was more than one person reading my blog, HA!) again in the near future. There was a lot I had going on last year, and I missed out on keeping up with updating this regularly. The problem I had, was that I really wanted to use this as a tech-review site, but it’s become more and more obvious to me that I need this as my personal blog, and not something I can start a business with. Anyways, I feel like I’m distracting myself from doing anything other than type, so I’m done here. Good day to you, and I’ll catch you on the next episode.

Chapter 2

There are fitting times in life where you just need to begin a new chapter. The past year of my life has been nothing but a downhill slope and no matter what I did, there was no sign of incline. Well, I’m ending this chapter here. Some characters may recur later on, but for now, what’s done is done, and I know it was best for ME to do so.

Where the hell did that come from?

two things.

First, it’s April, and snowing while the sun is out. The world is coming to an end. I’m relatively OK with this.

Second, I get smiles when thinking about you. Where the hell did this come from? I’m more disturbed by this than the world-ending sun-snow in April. Perhaps we can hold hands and catch snowflakes on our tongues. We’ll burn our retinas staring into the sun for warmth while everything else freezes.

That’s it for now. I’ve got some unfinished crazy to work through. This is probably a bad idea anyways.

Conviction

There are very few things that I can say I truly believe in.
In fact, I can count them on one hand, and still have fingers left over.
I picture a sailboat, overlapped by an opaque black quadrilateral.
Rounded corners, weathered, tired.
Close-up neuronic re-fires overwhelm, breakdown, resolve.
Prime number bathes imaginary; seductive, non-euclidean.
Cryptic crash symbol stutters sandcastles; separate, independent, isolated.
Telephone rings, kick starts imaginary, Prime number asleeping falls aloof.
Swirling matter uniformly chaotic.
Photo synthesis.
Synthetic photon.
Electric ocean waves.
Fractal dreamscapes.

 

 

Wait… what???

What a wild fuckin’ ride…

Been exposed to a lot recently that in the past I would have rather walked away from. A divide bridged by curiosity, understanding and love. To be honest, I’m not entirely sober at the moment. I killed a bottle of wine with my roommate. A big one too. Disclaimer aside, where do we bridge the gap between dreaming and reality? What I mean, is when does it become destructive to one’s own life or livelihood when dreams and hope become such a driving factor for the individual, even when there is little or no indication that such dreams and hopes are even valid or worthwhile to begin with? Where is that line and how does one know if they’ve crossed it? There are so many factors of the human mind, that any interaction between two seems almost unpredictable, making life itself chaotic and uncertain at every moment. How do we deal with this pressure as people? I’m certainly not an expert… Counselors? Doctors? Therapists? Maybe the best course of action is to get sedated and put in line with the rest of robo-ciety, but what about the individual? What about the person behind the prescription or therapy? When do they get to have a say in what they feel is best for them? Where are the people who can see people for who they are and not the drugs they’re taking? Is it that difficult to value another human being for being who they truly are? Fuck, I’m full of questions that I don’t have any real responses or even guesses for. I’m drunk, and I should get to bed. Perhaps I will, perhaps I won’t. What I do know, is that I’m done writing for tonight.

So… uuummm…. yeah

I felt normal today. Not in the sense that I felt like I was any other average Joe, but I felt like myself, like the true person I am.

Not sure what else to say. I guess I feel like I cleaned out my old closet and found my favorite toy from when I was a kid, then played with it for hours and hours while reminiscing about how much I had loved it but couldn’t remember when I lost it or stopped playing with it. I smiled today with such confidence and honesty that I broke down in tears.

I’ve been staring at a flashing cursor for 15 minutes. This is going to be a short post. In all, I feel like I’ve been grinding all month and finally leveled up to be geared well enough to go fight the end boss. I am happy an lucky to be running in a party of people equally skilled and talented.

Meditation before falling asleep tonight.

The wheel turns because that’s what a wheel does…

It’s impossible to imagine a bright, happy future. There will always be some sort of obstruction preventing some part, however grand or minute, from coming into fruition. I feel it’s reasonable then, to shoot for mediocrity, cash in your chips when you’ve broken even. That’s what life seems to be anyways, a series of gambles where even with a lot of hard work, you’ll just barely break even at the end. What kind of legacy is that to leave to a generation that cares less about anything than the previous one? What it boils down to, is we’re fucked and there’s really nothing we can do about it.

Personally, when I look forward, I don’t see me being able to reach my goals. Really no matter how hard I try, or how much effort I put in, it’s just never going to be enough. I’d be lucky to survive week to week and not wind up in a ditch somewhere on the side of a road because some drunken trucker side-swiped me and I lost control. I feel I’ve already lost control on my own, but it seems I’m blindfolded, but I was told I was in the desert and not to worry about hitting anything. Too scared to take a hand off the wheel to clear my eyes, the warm steel of a recently fired gun pressed against my cheek terrifies my leg from letting off the gas pedal. The line between doubt and trust has been blurred to a mile-long gradient, and in this no-man’s-land, there’s no room for any mistakes. Too many have already been made. So what can I do? Take a deep breath and relax as I plummet forward and completely give in to the will and desires of some comforting unknown? Or should I take a sharp turn, tuck and roll out the door and try to make a break for it before the trigger lets loose again?

Look, regardless of what choices I make, regardless of whatever outcome I have waiting for me down the road, regardless of how much pain, suffering, torture, happiness, fortune, and bliss I will go though to get there, it won’t matter because in the end, who cares about someone shooting for mediocrity? What value does that have for anyone? What kind of person starts something and hopes that they at least have what they started with when it ends? Is there really any kind of value or future in that for anyone involved? If the answer is none, then what’s the point of trying to find the end of the rainbow if the journey itself numbs you completely?

Well, That Didn’t Go As Planned…

Didn’t clean the apartment yesterday like planned, not very happy for not getting it done, but there’s always next weekend. Overall, I’ve been really down for the past couple of days, although I did hit lvl 90 with my Mage… wooh? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I forgot what the grind was like in end-game WoW. Very tedious compared to leveling. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a lot of new content that I havn’t even explored yet, but after 5 hours of playing while my roommates slept, it wound up being exactly what I didn’t want to do at the time. I considered playing something else to pass the time, but I really didn’t want to. I wanted to get things done. Oh well, shit happens. I’ll bring it up again next week. Maybe even tomorrow night, it’s trash night and what better time to clean the apartment than when we get to throw things out?

Moving on, last night, I started receiving e-mails about how information was changed on my accounts at a bunch of places that I don’t have accounts with. I got maybe 15 e-mails in about 35 minutes. This really got me worried that someone was using my information to open up false accounts. I started calling these companies as soon as I got the e-mails, and none of them had any record of accounts being opened in my name. So I’m thinking, ‘WTF?? Why am I receiving these e-mails then?’ Luckily, one of the e-mails had my name, with an address and phone number from Texas. I’m in Massachusetts. So I give the number a call, I accuse the guy of opening false accounts under my name, and obviously he refuses. He says I should call the cops, and I told him to expect a call from them. Doing my own investigation, with the help of the roomies, we find his facebook page. His name? Same as mine. Now I’m thinking, ‘This guy and I share the same name. Is he just a moron and used my e-mail address instead of his?’ So I call him back. Luckily he answers, we talk for a few minutes, and turns out, he is an idiot and used my e-mail address instead of his. Call ends, and I start recieving e-mails that the info has changed again, and see the new e-mail address he used. **Insert Sigh of Relief Here**. **Insert Rage at Stupid People Here**. I threw on Lucky Number Slevin after that and forgot about the whole thing for a while.

Wound up not sleeping last night either, well at least not for more than 20 minutes or so… but that’s a story for another time.

Been some weird times lately, and I’ve been having a tough time keeping the thoughts in my head straight and together so I’ve been all over the place with my reactions and interactions. I’ve got some really hard decisions to wrestle with, and I’m not sure what the best way to approach any of them are. The worst part, is that there are aspects of every outcome that I’d love to have happen, yet, they all come with equally negative parts. Still looking for more options that will better suit my needs and wants than what I currently have on the table, but I need to find something, because I feel I’m just driving myself crazy trying to get everything to work out.

Yeah, that’s all for now. I’m just getting myself worked up and anxious for no good reason. Maybe I’ll post later if I can calm myself down a bit.

Getting Shit Done

So I’ve been pretty busy over the past couple of days, trying to tackle my To-Do list and resolutions as aggressively as possible.

As far as my To-Do list goes, I’ve already gotten a big one scratched off, well, about half scratched off anyways, my #1: Find a job. It’s a 3-month contract position, but it pays well, and has a high chance of going permanent with bennies. I’m pretty stoked about this, I’ll get to learn about a new network, at another large enterprise company, and I will still have a schedule that I will enjoy. The only problem, is that there’s no guarantee that it will go permanent so I can’t bank on keeping this one forever, but it will at least mean more money for the next 3 months, around the same amount of the bonus severance I will lose by leaving my current spot early. So what I’m saying, is that I’ve accomplished my #1 thing on my To-Do list in the first 4 days of the year, but I can’t count on it yet. It’s at least a big burden off my shoulders for the moment.

Tomorrow, I plan on tackling #2: Clean the Apartment. I’ve got the day off, I’m in a rare good mood, and I’ve enlisted the help of my roommates. I just hope I still have this same motivation in the morning. I haven’t been sleeping well lately, so I’m prepared to get some good rest tonight, and try to knock another one out of the park.  Just gotta make sure I and the roommates are clear that we all need to make a small effort every day to keep the apartment clean and organized.

I’ll be making sure I’m spending a lot more time with my family this month and going forward too. With the job change, and everything else, I’ll have the time on my days off to visit and spend time with them on a regular basis. Friends will come later, or sporadically throughout the week if I feel up to it.

As far as my New Years Resolutions go, those are a bit more hit or miss. I’ve been keeping an eagle-eye on my finances. I’ve even created some spreadsheets for myself on my Google Drive to help me keep on top of things. It’s been fantastic so far, and I’m actually excited to keep up with it. It’s a small effort every day, and I know it will be totally worth it in the end. I just need to make sure I stick with it and keep on top of things. The other benefit I came across after creating my spreadsheet, is that I have budgeted a way to get caught up on all of my bills and be able to save some extra by next month. As long as I stick to it, and don’t do anything completely stupid, by next month, I’ll have taken off the top 3 things on my to-do list.

At the moment, it looks like quitting smoking is going to take a back seat for a while. I just invested a sizable amount into a cigarette roller and some tubes. It’s significantly cheaper to smoke this way, and believe it or not, healthier too. The tobacco I bought has no added chemicals. By adding this to my Resolution list, I was thinking that I’d quit somewhere around the end of March, but I’d like to make sure this temp job goes permanent before making that commitment. I feel if it doesn’t, and I’ve already quit smoking, I’m just going to start back up again, and worse than before. I may be making excuses, but I’ve got conviction this year, and I’m not going to let that go.

Exercising has been better, I’ve been moving around outside and inside a lot more than usual, and I am feeling a bit better, but I’m not sure what the root cause of that is. Could be a number of things, but I’m not going to stop. I figure if I keep up this pace for a while (I seem to be able to handle it OK), I’ll be able to ramp it up to a regular workout routine by the time I quit smoking. I think it would be bad or at least silly of me if I started exercising to the point where I was panting, then light up a cigarette. Just doesn’t seem right to me.

As far as eating healthier, I’m going to wait until next month to start tackling that one. I’ve got a full month as it is, and I don’t want to overload myself. I’m just starting out with the finances thing, and it’s working out great. I’ve still got some snags I run into here and there, so I’m working out the kinks, but I’ve got it to a very manageable point right now, and I want to build it as a habit or just part of my daily routine, and I’ll reassess the eating thing next month. If I’m still having trouble with the finances, it can wait.

I honestly haven’t given much of a second thought to getting certified. It’s still something I desperately want, but I want to at the very least start at the new contracting position before I pick that up again. Last month, I took some time and re-learned some basic JavaScript. It seems pretty straight-forward, but there’s a lot of nuances to keep track of, and I haven’t been doing it on a regular basis, so it’s been tough to retain all of the details. I’ll keep up with it though. Just not in the near future.

So there’s that. 2013 is actually starting out to be a decent year. I’ve started taking control of things that are important for me to have control over, and it feels good. I want to do more, but I don’t want to fuck it up, so I’m pacing myself with what I’m adding and removing from my plate. I’ve got a feeling of accomplishment, and I don’t want it to go away. I’ll continue to set reasonable daily, weekly and monthly goals to keep it riding. I’ll do what I can this Sunday to write a list of my goals and to-do’s for this week and month.

In other news, I watched Johnny Dangerously with my roommates tonight after we got home from a long day out and about town. It was hilarious and I’m glad I threw it on. I think it was what we all needed.

‘Till next time!

New Years Resolutions

1. Eat Healthier – I can’t keep eating BK every day. It’s just going to cause more problems down the line…

2. Exercise Regularly – Not a strict regimen or anything, just getting up and doing stuff. I just need to move around more…

3. Quit Smoking – Yep. This is definitely the year, just not exactly sure when it’s gonna happen…

4. Track Finances – I have a tendency to only keep a close watch on my funds when I’m in dire straits. I should be doing that all the time to try to  avoid the sticky situations…

5. Get Certified – I want my CCNA. I feel I’ve been procrastinating for too long on this. I’ll be letting myself down if I don’t get it sometime this year. The sooner the better…

The thing about New Years Resolutions, is that they straddle the wide line between Necessity and Pure Vanity. I can’t resolve to find a place to live, or find a job, or buy food to eat, those are things that need to happen just to survive. On the Pure Vanity side, you can’t resolve to get a face lift or a haircut, or paint you car. Resolutions are those things that you know you should be doing but aren’t. When you boil it down, New Years Resolutions are habits or long-term goals that you should have, but you feel are too tedious, annoying, or boring to waste your time on. The Necessity and Vanity items go on your daily or weekly to-do list, things that can be taken care of inside of a few days to a week. Now, I’ve got ‘Learn Something’ on my To-Do list, and ‘Get Certified’ on my Resolution list. I may seem like I’m contradicting myself a bit, but by ‘Learn Something’ I mean, spending at least a few hours learning about one topic. Whether it be the migratory practices of endangered aviaries, or understanding a chapter or two in my CCNA studies, it really doesn’t matter, as long as I’m getting something new and valuable in my brain. The ‘Get Certified’ is more of a long-term goal, not something that I can very easily accomplish in a week or two.

So, yeah. Between the last post, and this one, there’s a rough outline of my life. I know, on paper I seem like an incredibly boring person, and I probably am, evidenced by the fact that I don’t have any readers, although I haven’t really been advertising this site either… Bah! I can’t afford to get on a self-deprecating streak at the moment. So moving on…

Living is not hard, but it’s not easy either. We live in a society of instant-gratification. Everyone is looking for the fast money scams, and the lottery winnings. Yes, it does happen to some, but probably not you, or me. We, as Americans, have started to train and teach each other, generation by generation, that hard work is over rated and unimportant. People expect things, and they expect them now, without any compensation from them. It’s a terrible sickness that commercialism and consumerism breed, and I’m seeing it become more and more rampant with every day that passes. It makes me sad to see good people, truly good people, wasting themselves and their minds because society has trained them to be lazy and unmotivated. I’m not saying I haven’t fallen victim to this myself, by god, I sure have. I’m saying it’s a problem with society that disappoints me about American culture. We’re all thinking wrong. This isn’t going to keep working if we’re all on-edge looking for a lawsuit, gambling jackpot, or any way to make quick money.

There’s really nobody to blame either. Individuals, parents, media, corporations, we’re all doing it, and we’re all reinforcing it, and it’s not a place I want to be. I have worked hard for the things in my life, and I enjoy them more because of that. I continue to work hard for the things that I want because I want to be able to enjoy those too. How can anyone be proud to call themselves an American if this is what we are doing to ourselves and our future generations? There’s a movie, Idiocracy. Watch it. It’s where we’re heading, and it’s nothing to be proud of. I’m sad to say, I am not proud to be an American. It has little to do with the governing practices of my state or country, but socially, I don’t want to be associated with this connotation that’s starting to plague American culture. The other thing that bugs me, is that it’s starting to seem like people look down on you if you work hard at something and earn your keep. What happened to our societal value system? What happened to our personal value systems? Is there anything left in them?

Or are there outside influences creeping in to keep us all fighting with one another? Drug companies for example. There are so many drugs manufactured and too many people are taking them for phantom symptoms, or symptoms that are side effects of other drugs, and are only getting worse but are being convinced they’re getting better. So they keep shoving pills down our throats until we are complacent little mind-sheep that over examine and worry about the tiniest little things, completely ignoring everything else around us, and the things we need to do to survive from day-to-day, month-to-month, year-to-year. Then we start to fall behind, and it’s been so long since we’ve done anything but introspect and worry, that we’ve forgotten what to do and how to do it, so we introspect and worry more, take more drugs, and things only get worse and worse and worse. It’s like I said earlier, the problem is not just one person or institution to blame, yes, the drug manufacturers play their part, but the doctors play theirs too, prescribing all of this crap, and the media advertises for them, and the government allows it, and the people don’t stop it because they’re too drugged up to realize it.

Commercialism controls and is destroying Democracy because Democracy is no longer in it’s best interest. With the advent of the internet, the world economy has changed. To a large degree, ‘local’ no longer exists. Everything is ‘global’. Commercialism operating on this scale under a democracy, without a controlling interest of the democracy, is doomed to fail. As our technology advances, our practices stay antiquated and are no longer suited for our ‘global’ way of life. Loopholes are then created, and things get patched here and there, but it’s not offering a permanent fix for any of the problems. Now, I don’t have any better ideas than what we’ve got in place, I’m not that smart, and it’s also not my job to figure out how to do it. It’s simply something I’ve noticed.

So I have no idea why I’ve decided to go on such a rant, but it happened, and if you’re reading this, thanks I guess for taking interest in how my brain sounds when it farts on the keyboard for a while.